How Setting Boundaries Bought Me The Year I Needed

When I started to confront the reality that I was not going to be able to see my already 27-year career through to the end, I knew it was going to take some time to get to the point where I resigned. A big part of that process was grieving.

And in my grieving, I knew I had to start modifying my behavior at work in order to (1) set aside time to take care of myself as I was going through this process. and (2) to protect myself from further harm by responding - with consequences - to what I was observing in the environment.

How did I do these two things?

I TOOK BACK MY TIME

The first thing I did, was take back my schedule.

I was in a remote VP job that had me on the phone at least 8 hours a day without taking into account the work and travel I had to do outside of that time. I was in a time zone that was two hours behind our Dallas headquarters and 9 hours behind our Paris headquarters, so many meetings were early morning, but my day finished up a little early. I was often traveling to the one of 100+ manufacturing sites I was responsible for across the U.S., Mexico and Canada, and to Dallas for corporate meetings.

I knew I had to do a better job with not only how I managed my time, but how I allowed others to manage my time - because anyone could put anything on my calendar, with little notice and little information, and you were expected to accept and attend.

So, what did I do?

• When I had early morning calls, I attended when my attendance mattered and if I wanted to. Otherwise, I delegated the call or declined it.

• If calls occurred during school drop off, I declined them. I refused to be on the phone while my kids were in the car, and we were chatting about the day to come. It was too precious.

• I stopped arbitrarily accepting meetings outside of my group. I asked questions, I asked for agendas.

• Each Friday afternoon, I would look at the calls I had 2 weeks from then and start moving things around where I needed to. I would then block off any gaps to get actual work done, schedule personal appointments, eat or catch up on emails.

• I scheduled and took all of my vacation time for the year - and if there was any additional time I had worked outside of my regular hours, I took it as personal time during the week. No, I did not ask.

• I did not work evenings.

• I did not work weekends.

• I stopped working on planes.

The result was that I was able to ensure a more consistent pace in my day-to-day and give myself the downtime to be more prepared and strategic in my work, align my time with my real priorities and to care for myself and my family.

And honestly, no one even noticed.

I stuck up for myself - respectfully and firmly.

The second thing I did was finally have my own back.

When a colleague was fired and I was given his work as expanded responsibilities, but I never received an offer, job description or additional pay, I did not do the work no matter how much my manager passively brought it up in group meetings. In private, I stuck to my guns that I had not received an offer for the additional role, and outside of that, the vision for the role was unclear.

I did not jump in and volunteer for work that yeah, I could do, but that wasn’t my role - and I re-framed any work assigned to me that I shouldn’t own, driving accountability where it belonged.

When I or a member of my team was being undermined, dismissed, or willfully misunderstood, I called it out.

I remember being on a call with Paris and someone ancillary to our group wryly offered that he thought we were pushing back on a manufacturing change because we simply “hadn’t tried hard enough,” without acknowledging the real engineering challenges that we were facing. I told this leader who outranked me something to the effect of “By the look on your face, I understand how enjoyable that must have been to say, but it proves that you have not listened to anything we just presented and it is insulting to the hard-working team on this call.” He interrupted me as I was talking. I was furious.

But I was also honest about how I felt and the negative impacts being created without worrying about the outcome, feeling successful in the interaction not because I got what I wanted, but because I had expressed myself fully.

Setting and enforcing these kinds of boundaries wasn’t easy, but once I did communicate them and stick to them, I did not feel anxious about what impressions I gave or the outcomes. I had communicated - and the ball was in their court.

That is all I could be responsible for.

I Skirted the drama

I also tried to stay out of the constant, toxic drama.

I saved my energy for what mattered - not for the day-to-day “catastrophes” created by people who were in way over their head. Most drama could be attributed to poor planning and over-committing, but some was completely unnecessary.

I knew the business better than most, so when leaders overreacted to regular business trends each quarter for political power and influence, to me, this was irresponsible leadership.

The trickle down effect of these decisions were so painful and disruptive to people just trying to do their jobs and get home to their families. I wouldn’t participate in it.

I tried to support the good people I worked with as much as I was able to, but without owning their problems. I listened, and I offered my best advice. And then I let go. Yes, a lot of terrible things were happening, but not all of them were happening to me.

If I bore witness and felt the need to say something, I did. But I couldn’t carry all of it on my shoulders. It was too big, and too heavy.

I wasn’t perfect

Taking back my time and asserting myself when I was at my lowest was hard - and sometimes I failed, but I knew I needed to keep trying because when I was successful, I felt really good.

I wasn't perfect at it and there are things I would have done differently - and things I wish I would have said. But I am proud of the choices I did make because they bought me the time I needed to get to a place mentally where I was strong enough to make the change and know I was going to be OK.

It helped me see more clearly.

It helped me detach.

And that detachment was the beginning of my own freedom.

This month, Tess and I are focused on helping you harness the power of boundary setting. Check out our latest episode of Ew, Gross. to learn how you can set boundaries at work, why they’re important and how starting small can give you the boost you need. And if you need more personalized support, reach out!